Well as Spring hit, so did harsh reality. The windows in the house all need to be replaced. The first sign of this happend when it was warm enough to open them. the bay window in the living room had a side panel completely start to fall out. As we look at the trim on the windows in the house we realize they were rotting out. With the windows coming out of the house so did the tics.
When I was young, my brother Doug was a constant target for tics. I remember my mother pulling them out repeatedly during the summers and springs, running around the fields of Cottonwood Utah. I however, don't recall ever having a tic until now. The dogs, my kids, the beds,my head,and even the floor, have all been invested and it's been a nightmare!
Walking around outside has been no picnic. You can't walk out there without getting a tic and the realization of the land and how bad it is, makes it even harder to want to get started in trying to save it. Every single out building that is on our property needs to come down. MY depression literally got worse as Spring arrived.
With the exception of that one other time in my life, I've never felt more defeated. I've never felt more alone and my afraid of, and the questioned of hope and faith I've been heavily on my mind. Needless to say both have been diminishing.
Before we came here, I really thought that moving to South Dakota as strange as it was and unfamiliar, is it was was what the Lord wants to do. But as I've been here, and dealing with one problem after another, trying to move forward, trying to fix the problems that come, I've been weakend. I won't go into the whole story but that other time in my life when I was so depressed, I had choosen with the Lords help, to give my son up for adoption. If that helps explain how depressed I've been, then that's easiest way to explain it.
I have question my self worth. I've questioned my right to receive answers to prayers. I wonder if I even know how or can recognize answers to prayers anymore.
NO matter how many times I prayed, no matter how many times I tried to find something to be happy about, I started feeling worse and worse inside. Surely the Lord didn't want me to be this unhappy. I realize that sometimes making the right choice means it's going to be hard work and it's not going to be easy. And that certain solutions will always present themselves,with faith. And they have. we have been extremely blessed with solutions all along the way. But the reality of the cost of fixing this house has been very abrupt. THE LORD isn't going to plant a money tree on my farm.
With the rotting of the windows, so was my soul. I've been dealing with depression for several weeks now. I've been angry I've been confused with my frustration. And I have tried and tried to change how I feel. the only piece I found each day was driving into town. Along the dirt roads, the scene of wildlife that would cross my path would give me something to smile about. The wild life is amazing here. The Sun sets are amazing. The scenery is not nearly as amazing as the Rocky Mountains but it is peaceful area. However as soon as that was out of site, my moment of peace would fade and I would become lost agian.
I turned the decision on what to do next,over to my husband. He has never seen me more frustrated, so weak and most likely thought I was just being selfish. Maybe I was being selfisH. AT first I thought it was selfishness. I thought it was all my fault. That I was in control of my depression. My husband even accused me of choosing to be depressed. I was putting so much on my shoulders and I needed to change it. With not knowing why I was depressed or how I ended up this way, the fact remained that I and most of.my children were completely miserable.
My husband is a wonderful man and he would never do anything to intentionally hurt us. He would never want me unhappy and he certainly doesn't want the kids unhappy. And like myself, he's always wanted to make huge decisions with the Lord's help and do what the Lord wants us to do. At this point he too was even questioning everything. But like I said earlier, I wasn't sure if I could even get a clear answer to my prayers, so it had to be up to my husband. My husband continued to hit his knees, go to the temple and fast. I was prepared to do whatever you decide. If that meant staying the first thing I was going to do was up my meds. But I had to trust that his decision was done prayfully. It's the first time in are in your marriage that I put the decision completely in his hands. Choosing not to participate in the decision had to be done. the only purchase patient by ice was I have to do a pro con list and myself and emailed it to him. Even that didnt change his mind, he was still pretty determined that we needed to stay.
And today when he called me and told me what he decided I've never felt more relief my whole life. He is not sure why he chose to move back to Grand Junction. Perhaps we need to give it one more try and try to get a handle on our house there. Which is quite confusing considering we're upside down in it now, a hundred fifty thousand dollars. Yup we actually owe a hundred fifty thousand dollars more on the home than its worth. for now are goals in getting out of debt certainly are not going to happen. Not anytime soon that is,unless Publishers Clearing house decides come to my door. But for whatever the reason is and why he decided to take his family back , I'm thrilled! I'm excited! I get to be with my daughter and my ladybug again. I'll be closer to my college student and my senior can finish your senior year with all her friends.
That was another regret I had. Leaving my hometown, San Jose California was probably the first really bad decision I ever made. At the time I thought I was doing the right thing by my mom and my dad and my siblings. Leaving San Jose California felt like the right thing to do but over the years I realize that was probably the first bad decision I made. Had I stayed, I know that my road my path in life would have been completely different. However as we make wrong decisions The Lord has a way of correcting them as long as we keep trying to do what he wants us to do. Maybe this is one of those decisions. I don't know but I do know that I've never been more happy that I have been in a long long time.
So this Mother's day weekend is the first weekend of happiness in over two months. I saw a picture on FB that my husband took. He added a recognised quote. If plan A dose not work out,there are 25 other letters in the alphabet.
And to that, goodbye South Dakota hello home. Grand Junction may be temporary it may be permanent but one thing's for sure, it's another stepping stone in our life. on my only hope now is to one day I understand why it is we ever came to this farm in South Dakota. I am definitely writing a book about this experience.
pS I am so glad I didn't buy paint for the house. Who knows maybe I'll redo my color scheme IN GRAND JUNCTION CO.
