Plan B it is

Well as Spring hit, so did harsh reality. The windows in the house all need to be replaced. The first sign of this happend when it was warm enough to open them. the bay window in the living room had a side panel completely start to fall out. As we look at the trim on the windows in the house we realize they were rotting out.  With the windows coming out of the house so did the tics.

When I was young, my brother Doug was a constant target for tics. I remember my mother pulling them out repeatedly during the summers and springs, running around the fields of Cottonwood Utah. I however, don't recall ever having a tic until now. The dogs, my kids, the beds,my head,and even the floor,  have all been invested and it's been a nightmare!

Walking around outside has been no picnic.  You can't walk out there without getting a tic and the realization of the land and  how bad it is, makes it even harder to want to get started in trying to save it.  Every single out building that is on our property needs to come down. MY depression literally got worse as Spring arrived.

With the exception of that one other time in my life, I've never felt more defeated. I've never felt more alone and my afraid of, and the questioned of hope and faith I've been heavily on my mind. Needless to say both have been diminishing. 

Before we came here, I really thought that moving to South Dakota as strange as it was and unfamiliar, is it was was what the Lord wants to do. But as I've been here, and dealing with one problem after another, trying to move forward, trying to fix the problems that come, I've been weakend. I won't go into the whole story but that other time in my life when I was so depressed, I had choosen with the Lords help, to give my son up for adoption. If that helps explain how depressed I've been, then that's easiest way to explain it.

I have question my self worth. I've questioned my right to receive answers to prayers. I wonder if I even know how or can recognize answers to prayers anymore.

NO matter how many times I prayed, no matter how many times I tried to find something to be happy about, I started feeling worse and worse inside. Surely the Lord didn't want me to be this unhappy. I realize that sometimes making the right choice means it's going to be hard work and it's not going to be easy. And that certain solutions will always present themselves,with faith. And they have. we have been extremely blessed with solutions all along the way. But the reality of the cost of fixing this house has been very abrupt. THE LORD isn't going to plant a money tree on my farm.

With the rotting of the windows, so was my soul. I've been dealing with depression for several weeks now. I've been angry I've been confused with my frustration. And I have tried and tried to change how I feel. the only piece I found each day was driving into town. Along the dirt roads, the scene of wildlife that would cross my path would give me something to smile about. The wild life is amazing here. The Sun sets are amazing. The scenery is not nearly as amazing as the Rocky Mountains but it is peaceful area. However as soon as that was out of site, my moment of peace would fade and I would become lost agian.

I turned the decision on what to do next,over to my husband. He has never seen me more frustrated, so weak and most likely thought I was just being selfish. Maybe I was being selfisH. AT first I  thought it was selfishness. I thought it was all my fault. That I was in control of my  depression. My husband even accused me of choosing to be depressed.  I was putting so much on my shoulders and I needed to change it. With not knowing why I was depressed or how I ended up this way, the fact remained that I and most of.my children were completely miserable.
My husband is a wonderful man and he would never do anything to intentionally hurt us. He would never want me unhappy and he certainly doesn't want the kids unhappy. And like myself, he's always wanted to make huge decisions with the Lord's help and do what the Lord wants us to do.  At this point he too was even questioning everything. But like I said earlier, I wasn't sure if I could even get a clear answer to my prayers, so it had to be up to my husband.  My husband continued to hit his knees, go to the temple and fast. I was prepared to do whatever you decide. If that meant staying the first thing I was going to do was up my meds. But I had to trust that his decision was done prayfully. It's the first time in are in your marriage that I put the decision completely in his hands. Choosing not to participate in the decision had to be done. the only purchase patient by ice was I have to do a pro con list and myself and emailed it to him. Even that didnt change his mind, he was still pretty determined that we needed to stay.

And today when he called me and told me what he decided I've never felt more relief my whole life. He is not sure why he chose to move back to Grand Junction. Perhaps we need to give it one more try and try to get a handle on our house there. Which is quite confusing considering we're upside down in it now, a hundred fifty thousand dollars. Yup we actually owe a  hundred fifty thousand dollars more on the home than its worth. for now are goals in getting out of debt certainly are not going to happen. Not anytime soon that is,unless Publishers Clearing house decides come to my door. But for whatever the reason is and why he decided to take his family back , I'm thrilled! I'm excited!  I get to be with my daughter and my ladybug again. I'll be closer to my college student and my senior can finish your senior year with all her friends.

That was another regret I had. Leaving my hometown, San Jose California was probably the first really bad decision I ever made. At the time I thought I was doing the right thing by my mom and my dad and my siblings. Leaving San Jose California felt like the right thing to do but over the years I realize that was probably the first bad decision I made. Had I stayed, I know that my road my path in life would have been completely different. However as we make wrong decisions The Lord has a way of correcting them as long as we keep trying to do what he wants us to do. Maybe this is one of those decisions. I don't know but I do know that I've never been more happy that I have been in a long long time.

So this Mother's day weekend is the first weekend of happiness in over two months. I saw a picture on FB that my husband took. He added a recognised quote. If plan A dose not work out,there are 25 other letters in the alphabet.

And to that, goodbye South Dakota hello home. Grand Junction may be temporary it may be permanent but one thing's for sure, it's another stepping stone in our life. on my only hope now is to one day I understand why it is we ever came to this farm in South Dakota. I am definitely writing a book about this experience.

pS I am so glad I didn't buy paint for the house. Who knows maybe I'll redo my color scheme IN GRAND JUNCTION CO.

Sun glorious sun!

The sun is finally really coming out. Spring  has definitely had a late start. The sun is vital for mood enhancer when you have been deprived of it so long. The mud puddles are welcome so far, however we must order gravel before we get stuck in the mud. When getting stuck in the snow you always have shovels. Mud would be a complete disaster. The thistle on this property is definitely a problem. But it's a problem we can't address right now. At best we hope to get a fenced area for the dogs, an order of gravel for the mud and possibly away to more the yard area down so we can plan a fenced area for what we want our yard to be, verses animal area. I already long for next spring when we will be ready for more farm animals but particularly my grand daughter ashlyn coming to visit. We are going to buy her a pony!
As of this weekend we are finishing the plumbing and hanging sheet rock. Hopefully the next post will contain before and after pictures of my downstairs walls.
The boys are enjoying the outside and think we should sees if the hot tub works. It needs a deep clean but it looks like the inside is in top shape other than dirty.THE covering definitely needs to be replaced. dugout a boat and have been exploring the back yard all day.

Form one winter storm watch to another.

What a week. Its Monday and I thought the worst was behind me for storms.  The kids had no school last Thursday, then they had a late start the next day. Saturday wasn't too bad. But by Sunday night there was a storm watch until late afternoon Sunday. It then got extended to Thursday. ANOTHER FOUR DAYS?  I am snowed in at this point. I will have to shovel a 1/8 mile driveway to get out. If we can even get out at all this week, School was called off today. I am hoping the have a late start tomorrow. Late start at school mean the snow plows will be out. That wont help me with my driveway but at least the kids wont be stuck here all day. The bus can get through more than my van can. I really need a 4 wheel drive. I think my dodge caravan days are coming to an end. I will miss my van. BUT by next winter, a 4 wheel drive is a must! A plow is in order so I can ever leave when needed. I really wish I had a plow right now. The weather comes and goes. It gets super bad and then it subsides for awhile. It would be nice to be able to go to the store during the clam parts of the day. I  am running out of everything. Drinking water, milk, bread, etc. Although I am great for for powder milk, being able to boil water, and knowing how to make bread. Although I am out of Yeast! Oh well. And what would I do if the power went out. Not cook. Dry goods it is. I know I can survive all this bad weather, I just don't want too any more. I am sick of it. Its hard to stay positive about this major move when every time I get some relief I get hit again with more disaster. Whether its the house falling apart at the seems or the weather, it takes it toll on my soul. I am trying to stay busy. UN-packing( I wish I was packing it instead)  watching movies, cooking, cleaning.

On a brighter side I like my job. I work for my self so I make my own hours. So when the kids are not in school I do not work. However if I am not working I don't get paid. The kids seem to like their schools and they are meeting friends. Emma has a group of girls she really likes. And hasn't wasted anytime on sleep overs every Friday. And Celia has already had her first date. The people here are amazing. I never met nicer people. I mentioned at the clerks office where I go to work that we were in the market for a couple of cats, and both ladies in the office got on the phone. I think I will set shortly. They just stopped there work to find me a cat? Wow. I was gone the next day because of the storm but when I went in Friday they had all sorts of contacts for me. I don't think I have ever met anyone so willing to help a stranger before.

 I am use to the church being helpful, but even among members, its never this easy. It has definitely been humbling. I have always been willing to help others but I never really expected nor asked for the same in return. It is great to know so many that are willing to go above and beyond. That happens to be the bet thing about SD at this point. The People!

After Thursday storm, on my way into work Friday I had to deal with what the roads are typically around here. This area doesn't have the luxury of working plows on a regular basis for roads. And the off roads to peoples house are lower on the priority. Basically when it storms they wait until the storm is gone. Then they next day the start plowing. Some people literally drive around in plows if they are not going far and others have trucks with blades on the end of them in case they need to plow their way down a road. Unfortunately I have neither at this time. Driving down roads, you will often find only have the road plowed and sometimes you need to drive on the wrong side of the road just to get anywhere. The farms deal with similar piles of snow. Depending on the wind direction and the trees on the lot, will determine how much snow you end up with. On one side of the road you can see still land and thistle, while just across the street you see 3 feet of snow. Crazy. MY DRIVEWAY IS ONE OF THOSE AREAS THAT GETS PILES OF SNOW BLOWN  ON IT. THAT MUST CHANGE! And will definitely need a truck with a blade to plow the off road to our house. The county is slow to do those roads. I am hoping the bus drivers get on the county at some point and next year they will realise people are here. Tax payers are here and need a road plowed!

Spring?

We have dodged a 1200 dollar bullet. Todd redid the upstairs plumbing for only 350! We still need to redo the facet in the tub and add a shower sometime but the 1200 dollar charge from a plumber is not needed! We will put in a whole new shower downstairs in the future and replace all those pipes as well. By the time we are done we will have replaced all the pipes in the house which needs to be done.  The house is 100 years old. 

Spring has started to show its self. Birds are everywhere,  geese by the dozen,  wild turkeys on the roads and a big huge muddy driveway that will need a load of gravel asap!  Not this week though maybe in a couple weeks. Tapped out for the time being.  But it will have to be done.  The sump pump is on and ready for spill over. While putting in the sump pump we retrieved a salmander. His name is Randall.  He looks like  Randall from Monsters Inc.  Not really but it fits. We will let him go in a near by pond when it warms up.

Just when Spring started getting things warmed up and melted,  I now sit here listening to but yet another wind storm.  There is a huge storm comming in from the west and we may be looking at  4 to 6 feet of snow. Ugh! Can't catch a a very long break these days. To be continued!

Easter Weekend spells RELIEF!

 

There was no way we were going to pay a plumber 1200 dollars to do the plumbing upstairs. Todd decided to rip out all the old pipes. This is officially the first major project on the house that we are doing.  We were waiting on the funds to get the parts to do the job, but in the meantime Todd got to work on the pipes.  Once he had them all pulled out we got a phone call from our Branch President offering to help with the parts. We were not expecting it at all and it was a huge blessing! Todd and I took Alex to Watertown SD for the first time on Saturday.  It is my new favorite town!  It is a least as big as Vernal Utah but has more main stream stores. We went to Munards for plumbing tools and pipes. He spent hours on Saturday night starting the job when he realized he got the wrong clamps for the pecks pipe. Well he was bound to mess up a little but so far we have only spent 230 dollars on parts and although we still need sheet rock to redo the walls, 230 thus far is much better than 1200. This next week he hopes to finish the job while I am doing my new job.  The pictures below show the damage and progress for the weekend.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Easter Sunday was simple and nice. I managed to put together an Easter basket for the kids with kitten supplies in it. They really all want a cat. We have all missed Simba. We never could find him back in Junction and they have been asking for another one. We will probably get three. I want some to keep the mice at bay!  Church was nice. The Branch only meets for two hours. I had all the primary aged children together.  I will be doing Primary again only this time I am everything. All the primary callings condensed into one!  I am looking forward to it and today we had a tone of children. It was nice to have more there than my own! Primary has always been my favorite calling. I need to be very creative and try and teach at a level that will keep interest for all the kids and still incorporate nursery at the same time. I have Raquel helping me for now. And when I gave a short lesson today, Brother Marsh took the younger ones in the hall with a few toys until I was done.  My goal now is to get a good routine down and try and keep as much as the agenda in a full size primary as possible. Family Home evenings are going to be vital for our younger children in the near future so they are learning what they would normally be learning in Primary. Although I will do a lesson with them at church it has to be done as simple as possible because of the age groups. So it’s more like doing a sharing time each week with all the kids at once.

 

This experience so far as been a testimony builder and again a confirmation that we need to do all we can do before handing it over to the Lord and his grace will take over  in due time.

 Coloring eggs on Saturday Night!

Jared pretending to be the Easter Bunny for Eric on Sunday! What a Great Kid!

A new week yes, productive? That’s a matter of opinion!

 I finally got my water heater put in and finally have hot water!  My ward branch has really helped make it happen. The thought of going without hot water a fourth week would have been heart wrenching.  I love camping but camping for 3 weeks inside my own home is enough!

We have to replace all the piping to the upstairs bathroom. That is going to be another 1200 dollars. The pipes are completely rotted out. The leaks started coming through the ceiling in the kitchen. The plumber temporarily put a “band aid” on the pipe in hopes that it could last for a another two weeks. As soon as he left the other side of it started dripping at a very fast rate. The only way to get it to stop is to turn all the water off. Seriously! From one problem to another.  I was also told we have a leak somewhere between the Well and the house. And most likely need to redo the septic tank before I have problems with that. I seriously don’t know if we will ever get to the fun part in redecorating the house.  In the meantime I am going to have to turn off the water at night to keep it from leaking all night long. There is no way I can sleep through that sound, but I worry about the pipes freezing with the water off. Ugh. I need to cut into the ceiling and get some flex seal to band aid that, but I don’t think I even have enough money to do that. It is really hard to keep going in a complete money pit of a farm house. I keep getting flash backs of the movie Baby Boom when she is out in the country and everything is falling apart. Yeah that’s this house.  Add the movie “Money Pit” to the scene and I am sure I will have a lot of the same experiences.  These are the moments that sometimes you have to say “I hate my life”! 

 Finally on Thursday we have hot water to part to part of the house with no leaks. Now we need to address the upstairs. But I can breath a little now the first part of my week was crazy as you can see from my first paragraph “Bitch Fit”

 I attempted to start my new job on Tuesday March 26^th.  I need internet to update and synch the netbook I use to put in the data. It wasn’t working right and I need the help desk to redo it and reset the passwords so I can even start. Only I don’t have my cell phone on to use away from home and I don’t have internet at home. So it is really hard to get going on it. I am supposed to go into the county building and go through the assessor records. I have to record all real estate sales and deed into a new soft ware program. It is easy enough but what I need is internet connect with my cell phone at the same time. We have spent it all on the house trying to get heat water and keep drinking water in the house until they can come and filter that.  The leak in the well will explain why the water isn’t that drinkable!  But again on Thursday I got the help desk to fix my computer remotely so it would work!. Monday morning, 3 weeks late I start my new job! YES!!!

Small towns are still very much behind in records keeping. I need to go back clear to 20005. But for now I am starting with March Feb and Jan of 2013. I work under a contract so I make my own hours which are a plus. My goal is to be up to 600 documents a week by the end of April, if I can ever start! The extra income will be going towards my daughter’s college housing, her car and beautifying this house!  She is earning her car by watching Eric for me so I can work.  IF I CAN EVER START WORK! MONDAY may be the best Monday ever!

On a better note.....

Emma started school on Wednesday. Celia still has to wait because the Principle at Sisseton High wants to talk to her Counselor at GJHS regarding her credits, and they are on Spring break. So Celia now has to wait until after Easter to start school. She isn’t happy about that. The boys should start next Monday as well. 

Todd Finally got home Wednesday so of course Thursday was a better day! No wonder why we now have hot water and we ordered more propane. He was home just in time. We woke up to no heat. Propane was out! But now that he is home I will have better luck! Things are always easier when my husband is home!

LOVE these Deer!

Life goes on!

Well We were dug out by our Claire city angle Tim Gleason.  The best thing about Roberts county SD this far is the people.  They have been so kind.  Everyone knows everyone and for the most part are willing to help.

Its Friday now.  We have almost been here two weeks.  We still have no  water our internet. I am currently in Whapeton ND at McDonald's with all the kids in the van. Got to love wifi!   We went till the Wal-Mart.  The park and zoo here is amazingly cute.  I can't wait to bring Eric back when it's warm. 

This weeks accomplishments have been in the direction of getting the kids in school. Everything shut down on monday and Tuesday.  And with the explosion in Grand Junction has slowed down the records. Hopefully they can go to school next week.

I have a new hot water heater but now I have to worry about the coa t in th e broken hot water pipes. I really could use another 500 bucks. But that's not going to happen until the 4th of April. Ugh.  In the meantime. I am still bioling water and cleaning ip flies and a regular basis. I shaved my leggs for the first time in over a week and my hair is clean. That's something right?

Some of the pictures below are of  the deer that flock by the dozens along county road 10 and 126. 20 of them crossed in front of me yesterday. It was so beautiful.